Saying Yes to Jesus

Suffering for the Gospel. When most of hear this, we think of the persecuted church in countries that are closed to the Gospel. We think of torture, imprisonment, and constant threats on your life. Not being able to freely speak of the goodness of Christ without fear of reprimand. However, all suffering may not be quite as severe as all this.

Recently, I was sick for about three weeks. I felt so bad that I wasn’t able to do much other than lay in my house. Over the past three years of my time living in Africa, this was definitely the worst I’ve felt and the longest period of time that I’ve been sick. I felt worthless, and even began to even question my purpose of being in Tonj, since I couldn’t accomplish anything or be out with the people. 

During this time, I began to reflect on some conversations that I’ve had in the past with some teammates regarding suffering. One instance was a recent conversation Tianna and I had regarding her struggle with acne since coming to South Sudan. As silly as it sounds, the battle with acne in South Sudan is a form of suffering. I was also reminded of a conversation I had with a past teammate during a time in Ethiopia when many of us were constantly battling sickness; sleepless nights due to countless runs to the bathroom because of something you ate or drank is a form of suffering. Even though these examples are not quite as “exciting” as stories from Paul or an undercover missionary biography, it’s still part of the cost of being a disciple of Jesus. 

As my view began to morph from feeling worthless, I tried to focus on being thankful to have been given the opportunity to suffer for the Gospel, no matter how insignificant it may seem. Although I may live in a place where I’m not persecuted for my faith by being tortured, imprisoned or receiving constant threats on my life, there is a cost of leaving my family, having a variety of tropical illnesses and not as many comforts as I would have in America. As a believer, when you say yes to Jesus, that means at all costs, no matter where, what or the what the outcome is.

As holidays are upon us, I know that this is a particularly difficult time for me as well as other people who are away from home, and for the families that are left behind. As we are missing our loved ones this holiday season, may we all focus on the cost of discipleship, joyfully proclaiming that Jesus is worth it!

 “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let your steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4 

Rejoicing and Weeping

For some time now, I have been meditating on Romans 12 and what the marks of a true Christian are. It is a long list, and I still definitely have a lot to work on, as I strive to be more like Jesus from the inside out. Recently, the Lord has given me circumstances where I have been able to observe some of these verses coming to life.

A few months ago, I was away from Tonj for a few weeks. Upon my return, my teammate Tianna shared with me how Jesus had intertwined her path with a woman who was very sick and whose baby was extremely malnourished. She had been visiting them in the hospital and at their home, praying for a miracle, as the doctors didn’t look upon the situation too promising. A few days after I returned to Tonj, we received word that the baby had passed. Here in South Sudan, infant mortality rate is high and I have yet to meet a woman with a handful of children who has not experienced the death of at least one of her babies. Culturally, there is a fatalistic outlook on life, so the death of a lost loved one, especially a child, should not be mourned because it is a fact of life. After receiving the news of the passing of the baby, we went to visit the woman at her home. Upon arrival, Tianna began to lovingly tell her that she was sorry for her loss and was moved to tears. I was able to see the hardness of this woman’s face soften as Tianna reached out and took her hand. Soon tears began to stream down the woman’s face. No more words were said for some minutes as the two mourned together. As I observed this, I saw the love of Jesus coming through Tianna. She had no comforting words to say, but her actions spoke louder than any words ever could. This is the heart of Jesus. He mourns with us when we mourn, and calls us to do the same for our brothers and sisters.

Sometimes, I am known for being a realist. Stating the facts and at times being insensitive to others around as I don’t always think before I speak. We had interns in Tonj for about a month this summer. It’s always nice to have some new faces to give a fresh perspective on daily life here and how different it is from America, as I have become accustomed to the cultural and living differences. New experiences and things that may bring joy to others may not excite me much or even affect me at all. Unfortunately, I found myself being a “bubble popper” through my realism and lack of a filter. I was reminded by a teammate that celebrating the joys of others is just as important as mourning with them. It is just as much of His heart in showing love.

As believers, we are called to love each other genuinely. As a church we are called to support one another in all circumstances as we follow the teachings of Jesus.  Through His example, we see that He feels what we feel, and intensely cares for each and every one of His sheep. We should strive to do the same,” rejoicing with those who rejoice, and weeping with those who weep”.

Where You Go I'll Go

At the beginning of January, I hopped on a plane in Houston to head back to Africa to begin another two-year stint in South Sudan. During my time in the States, I was repeatedly asked why I chose to return to South Sudan, even after all of the unrest and moving around I had experience in my first two-year term. I was asked why would I return to one of the most unstable countries in the world instead of remaining in America. Why would I choose to return to a place where there is war, famine, little development or infrastructure, and a tanking economy. Hadn’t I done enough and had enough adventure from my first two years in South Sudan? Wasn’t it time to move on with my life?

Many people assumed that I must have received extremely strong calling from the Lord to prompt me to return. However, in my decision to stay in South Sudan, there was no voice from heaven or vivid dream. No strong word of knowledge, other than that the Lord wasn’t calling me to go anywhere else.

When I left Houston two and half years ago, it was clear from the Lord that he wasn’t calling me to live in Houston; he was calling me to live in South Sudan. Before that, I thought I was called to live in America, although I now realize that I had never actually asked Him. Right now the Lord isn’t telling me to go anywhere else; not to Houston, France, Japan, or any other place. He is telling me to stay where I am, and I count myself extremely blessed to have been gifted with a love for the people that I live with. Two years from now who knows where he’ll lead. Maybe he will say to stay, maybe to head back to America or maybe he’ll lead me to a completely different nation.

So, just as people questioned why I chose to return to live in South Sudan, I would like to challenge you to ask yourself the same question: why do you live in where you do? Did the Lord call you where you are or is that just where you randomly ended up? Have you sought his face in where he wants you to be? Is he leading you to live in suburbia, the city, the country or abroad? Is he telling you to stay put where he currently has you or to uproot your life and follow him where he leads? Whatever he is asking of you, although it may not be easy, pain free or even logical in human sense, it will be good and beautiful because he is always good, and he calls us to things that are greater than what we could ever imagine.

 I think the song “I Will Follow” by Chris Tomlin says it well, and I pray that the lyrics will ring true in all of our hearts.

Where you go I’ll go

Where you stay I’ll stay

When you move I’ll move

I will follow you

All your ways are good

All your ways are sure

I will trust in you alone

Higher than my sight

High above my life

I will trust in you alone

Idols

For the past two and a half years, my team and I have been praying for the Spirit of God to sweep across South Sudan, for idols to be burned, and for allegiance of people to be shifted only to Jesus. There is a decent amount of syncretism in South Sudan, meaning that people accept Jesus as a god, they may attend church, but they also still follow traditional beliefs. Many people may still have idols, charms, or shrines at their homes to the other gods, and they may still make visits to the local witch doctor.

A few weeks ago, a man showed up on our compound. He had been very sick the night before. In the past he had attended church, but secretly kept charms for protection. He came to us looking for a pastor because he wanted to burn his idols and begin to follow Jesus. I was privileged to present for the idol burning “party”. A small fire was built, and some of our compound workers began to dance around the fire, singing a song about “throwing Satan in the fire”.

It was such a gift to be able to experience this. Countless prayers have been prayed. I have heard stories from other parts of South Sudan about idols being burned, but to experience the answer to prayer first hand was so powerful and extremely encouraging.

Seeing this public display of allegiance shift caused me to think about how it would look in America. If we as Americans were to publically “burn our idols” when we accepted Christ what would we burn? Would it be a car, a house, a lifestyle, a job, comfort, a family, a dream, fitness, food, safety, a desire, social media or a self-image? Are we as Christians in America syncretists as well; do we believe in Jesus, but have a false image of who He is or have secret “charms” or “idols” in our life that we are putting trust in? Would we have to continuously burn idols in our life?

I have been so challenged by this, praying that God would show me what the idols in my life are. Let me tell you, it’s a continual process, as I routinely check my heart to see if there are things that I have elevated above God. It can be painful at times, but God is so faithful and abundantly gracious in walking me through releasing my grip on the idols in my heart. 

Lessons from Onions

Akim! Akim! I heard a voice outside my mudhut call for me using my Dinka name. I cracked the door to see one of our compound workers standing there. He had come to tell me that some of the construction workers wanted to speak to me. I had previously heard of some disputes between the workers regarding the food we provide, and sure enough, they wanted to talk about onions. They were upset because some people were getting onions and others weren’t; some were hoarding onions so that only a select few would get to sprinkle the top of their beans with the crunchy onion flavor. As silly as this sounds, it has been a major point of stress for me. If onions are provided, then so must a knife. The knife likes to “walk off the compound” occasionally, which results in complaints about missing knives. It’s difficult to explain the feelings of frustration due to constant demands, feelings of entitlement, and lack of gratitude (the onions are not the only thing that create strife—oil, tea, bicycles, rainboots…just to name a few).

But then I realized, people are people, regardless if they live in a suburb of Houston or a remote village in South Sudan. As long as we are living in this imperfect world, nothing this earth has to offer will ever truly satisfy.

I’m no different. How many times have I complained to God that He is not providing onions for me? Or that if he is providing onions, I grumble that there is no knife to cut the onions? How many times have I questioned God as to why something is not working my way or thinking that God did not provide what I thought I needed? As I reflected more on this, I realized that there are so many times in my life that God may have not provided the onions I thought I needed or felt entitled to, but he provided something that has a far greater value the onion I thought I needed. Or maybe there are times when I think there isn’t a knife to cut my onion, but He has already given me the tool I need to accomplish the task.

Through this onion “crisis”, I have been challenged to pray for contentment wherever I am at and to give thanks in ALL circumstances. I still have a long way to go, but this verse is an encouragement to me as I strive for greater contentment and an increased sense of gratitude:

"I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing. I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me." Philippians 4:12-13

If God Wills

Most days, a good chunk of my time is spent visiting with my South Sudanese friends. The time consists of becoming aware of certain cultural practices, learning language, and discussing daily life, all of which can cover a wide spectrum of topics. Usually, during our chat or language practice, a simple question is asked, such as what they are planning to do the following day, when I will see them again, or if they will go to the market later in the afternoon. The answers may vary, but almost always the answer is coupled with “if God wills”. This is something that has really stuck out to me, as this was not a common phrase used in my circle in the U.S.

Life in America is somewhat more predictable than life in Africa, or it at least appears that way. In the U.S., I can say with confidence that I will go to the store tonight, I will meet you for coffee on Saturday morning, or I will go to visit my Aunt in Dallas in two weeks. Yes, someone may have to cancel because they are sick or a car may break down, but for the most part these plans will come to pass.

As Americans, we thrive on knowing that we are able to control everything, or at least on the feeling that we can control everything. However, the more I speak with my African brothers and sisters, I realize that the sense of control we feel as Americans is really something that is false. With such a history of war and instability, the South Sudanese get the fact that they don’t have control. In all honesty, it is a much more Biblical way of walking through life, whether or not the individual is actually aware of the Biblical truth.

Through observing my South Sudanese friends, I have been convicted of my own pride and false sense of control. This has challenged me to adopt their way of thinking. If I walk in the “if God wills” mindset, it may help me to see a clearer picture of God’s goodness on a daily basis. With this mind set, day after day, through even the smallest of circumstances, I will see even more how He cares for me. And maybe, just maybe, I might be slower to doubt His goodness when He does allow something that I deem “bad” to happen.

“Come now you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go in to such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”—yet  you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is , you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil.” James 4:13-15

New Home

I recently moved into my new home. It’s a mud hut. It’s square, 5 meters by 5 meters, made of mud bricks, and has a thatched roof. Definitely nothing too lavish compared to American standards, or at least the part of America that I come from. There are scorpions that hide under boxes and in the cracks in the walls between the bricks and mice that come in to feast on whatever crumbs are left out. Despite how lowly it seems looking at it in an American perspective, it is a mansion here. 

When you have a friend who has a family of seven or eight that stay in a hut that is much smaller than yours (for one person), it’s definitely humbling. When you are preparing to burn an old cardboard box because you see it as trash and someone asks if they can have it to sleep on, whoa, it’s overwhelming. When your friend who wears the same holey shirt day after day generously brings some food to share with you, it’s very sobering.

After a year and a half of constantly moving around and living in and among these conditions, with those that physically have way less than I do, I still struggle with how God is calling me to live and what He is leading me to do with my physical possessions. I pray that Jesus would enable me to walk in ceaseless thanksgiving, with tremendous generosity, and moral clarity, and that it would all be done with exceeding joy.

Home Sweet Home